Inward Journey- Recount

 She was a talkative young girl who lost her voice some- where along years of growing up. In fact she used to be once called a chattering granny in kindergarten by her teacher who found it delicate dissuading the little one from revealing her home details in class before other children. It remains shrouded in mystery when and why she turned into a shy, introverted, enigmatic person.

Looking back and shredding memories to fine strands, the lady struggled with clouded consciousness grappling with the past life events. Edifices of her character did not go with her present actions. The impulses that brought her down in the eyes of her loved ones were alarming. Most weird, distressing experiences she has ever been in! Was she turning into an unscrupulous mindless wreckage piece, with clipped wings that grounded her.... She cradled like a baby in the refuge she sort. Her near and dear ones, close to her heart, conscience and soul.

Her apparent diffidence in solving her problems did not go with her stern belief in herself which amounted to a delusional extent. Was it a delusion as they say or is there something that she could do with the belief, trust in self to be good.

She gathered all her effort to move past her doubts and fears of getting stereotyped. She said repeatedly to herself that she was going to do it. She was a tormented soul who needed solace. She needed a breather, she was stuck getting nowhere and so she took a break from Life. Stuck in the frozen stillness of Life didn’t do any better to her so she just had to take a break from life. She lost all accounts of happenings around her, no hold over anything and was as flat tyred as a punctured vehicle stuck on a highway watching other vehicles zoom by. That is when she decided for it- To live life like a galloping horse; focused, determined and in style.

Mridula was a qualified architect married to another handsome architect, leading a tumultuous insecurelife. Saved was too clever for her and the hard times that her marriage took her froze her to stillness. It was fortunate for her that he was a conservative and believed in the social system of marriage for he wouldn’t go past her that easily. He seemed not concerned on the emotional investment side of it. There were very minimum interactions between them and there were many instances when life had gotten out of her hands. She was at a loss to figure out and make an account of her life or to come to terms with it.

As an eligible spinster Mridula had not many dreams or preconceived notions about her future husband.She was very practical and had taken this character after her father much to her brothers dismay. The family dynamics drove her to hell many times. Daddy and Chettan (brother) never got off well together. Chettan was a highly strung temperamental guy and had problems keeping his Job. Despite the heavy current of sibling rivalry Mridula felt the love and concern her brother had for her. They were part of a common system, branches of a tree and had so many emotional tentacles bonding them. Life hadn’t been easy for both of them. The growing insecurity with which they grew and the way they looked up on their parents made up their emotional baggages. Did their parents really love them ? The looming question over their heads did weigh down on their activities. The untimely demise of her mother had upset the family integration totally. According to Mridula, Amma was a noble soul who believed that her children ought to be loved deeply, given good care and have high moral standards. Amma had always thought that her fate as a home maker musn’t be repeated with her daughter as well. She always told her during study time, “Mridu make u’r studies thorough, drink them up like water”. She took extra effort to encourage and build on her strengths to do well in her studies.

Mridula turned out to be luckier than her chettan because she had found a strong hold in her father andmother. Her father had a fondly tender affectionate nature towards her and made sure she wasn’t disturbed anyway. This had been their equation since her childhood very much in contrast to daddys relationship with chettan. They had a tempestuous relationship. It was with a heavy heart that Amma and Mridula watched her brother whipped, locked out of the house and some such terrible situations where according to Daddy chettan was to be straightened up. It was astonishing to Mridula that despite all these offences that her father committed, her brother still relied on him so thoroughly, even emulating him many times.

At times it was beyond him to be a loving brother as she wandered in her imagination of a fine worldwhere there were no incivilities. To her surprise he found that disgusting. He wanted her to come down to see this real world which she did not wish to.

She could not fathom the clichéd saying “Marriages are made in heaven “. Still, she did experience theinvisible something that brought people together or broke them away. Through the journey of life we meet and part with people with honor and blessings. She remembered the day she had been to meet him. She had no idea if she was right in doing so and if she did deserve the encounter. She now thought, o why did I bring myself together to go see him, the experience of those moments seeing his face so full of compassion and affection yet wanting to teach her a lesson broke her apart. She stood there under the skies which parted to shower and she was amazed!! Were those showers of blessings from the heavens!!! Her inner soul lay dormant having no interactions with her immediate thoughts. That was an event which sheared herself from her soul.

The art and science of ironing relationships and sneaking out of the pits found along the journey of lifedid not come easy. But yes, growing up pains eased up with the refuge in the family where one could re-posture, reposition and realign thoughts and feelings with one’s purpose in life. Her refuge in the social system of Family took her out of her depths of despair and misery.